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Monday, November 21, 2011

Our Story

**I wrote this post awhile ago but just couldn't press the "publish" button.  A friend of mine just recently went through the same thing and was strong enough to write about it.  She in turn gave me the strength to post something extremely personal in the hopes that it might help others out there that have gone through the same thing.**

I'm not really sure how to begin this post.  I know I've been pretty quiet on here lately and it's because I just don't know what to write about.  It's hard to post happy, exciting blogs when you don't feel that way.  I guess the best way to begin is to just start at the beginning.  Bare with me through this long rambling post.

Back in May Ryan & I decided that it was the right time to start trying for a baby.  We were over the moon with excitement.  We couldn't stop talking about names, plans and who they would look like.  In the back of my mind I was pretty worried about even getting pregnant.  Just about a year ago I was diagnosed with PCOS- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (it's pretty common)  Some of my symptoms were rapid weight gain, extreme fatigue, and high cholesterol.  That coupled with the fact that it took my mom 4 to 5 years to get pregnant with me had me pretty worried.  I had read entirely too much information on how PCOS can effect getting pregnant, and I was trying to push that away.  In the mean time I was focusing on getting healthy by taking medicines to help, excising and eating healthier.

Well, to our surprise we found out that I was pregnant in July!  I remember reading the pregnancy test and just breaking out in sobs.  We were in complete shock that it actually happened for us.  I know how difficult it can be to get pregnant, and I just never thought it was going to be easy for me.  We were singing praises to the Man above.  It was actually the same day that our friends moved in with us temporarily until they could find a house of their own.  It was so hard for us not to just go out and immediately tell everyone.  It was the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to a Monday so I could call my OBGYN to get an appointment.

A very long story short, the last couple of months have been such an emotional roller coaster that has whipped and jerked us around until we couldn't see straight.  We found out on August 12th that we had lost the baby.  I would have been due March 15th according to the doctor.  I can't even begin to try and express the feelings Ryan & I have been wading through.  The best way to describe it is just broken.  I felt like all my fears and worries had been realized, and I couldn't believe that we were actually walking this road.  It just didn't feel real.  All I've been able to do is cry, sleep and pray.  I haven't felt like being around people.  I've needed to retreat to be able to sort through all these emotions.  It didn't help that I had all those pregnancy hormones surging through me either as my husband would attest to.

We prayed so hard that God would spare this pregnancy and allow us to meet our baby here on earth.  We really believe that God is all powerful and should it had been His will he could have change things in one breath.  It was very hard to except the fact that we were not meant to meet this baby on this side of heaven.  But our God is the same God regardless of our outcome.  I have been clinging to this song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns.  I believe every word of it.

I am so thankful for our family, friends and community who have surrounded us with incredible support.
I am thankful for my loving husband who, while broken himself, was able to encourage and support me through it all.
I am so thankful to have been able to even get pregnant in the first place.
I am thankful to have been able to see the heartbeat of our baby on my birthday.  The best birthday present ever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to try again in the future.
And I am so thankful to already be a parent to a beautiful girl or boy in heaven.

I can't imagine getting through this without the love and support of our family and friends.  This is something that almost everyone has experienced, will experience or knows someone who has gone through this.  I feel like it is not talked about enough and has been a silent burden that many women have carried by themselves.  I wanted to share this with you all because we are not meant to carry our burdens alone.  The community of people that have experienced the same thing as me have been such an
encouragement that it is worth sharing.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has great plans for Ryan & I and our testimony.  This is part of our story and we will use it to God's glory.

**Update:  I ended up having to have a minor surgery two weeks ago to complete the miscarriage.  It has been a very long road that we are now finally reaching the end of.  God has granted us such peace and we are in a much better place now.**

Our little Angel



15 comments:

  1. Oh my heart is breaking for you right now! I wish you would have told me! I feel awful because you were at my baby shower in July... :( If you EVER need to talk, please please call me or message me on FB. I don't know the pain of a loss, but I know the pain of countless failed cycles. Know this - if you find this comforting at all...at least you CAN get pregnant! Your body knows what to do. It will happen for you again - I just know it! Thank you for sharing your story!

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  2. Oh Lindsey, I'm so sorry to read this. My sister was diagnosed with PCOS when she was a teenager and the doctors told her that they would have a hard time getting pregnant too. She also suffered a couple of miscarriages but today she has two beautiful babies who were worth every hard year they struggled.
    I know that God has a plan for you guys and I pray that He is able to keep you strong until he reveals it to you. I'll be keeping you guys in my prayer, I know what a devastating thing it can be.

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  3. Lindsey, I stumbled across your blog because I an old coworker of Kriya Benich. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my first baby in September 2007. I was eleven weeks along and it was the most crushing experience of my life. I had to have surgery to complete my miscarriage too. I felt completely broken and empty and just getting through the day was difficult. I agree with you, not enough people talk about pregnancy loss. It's as if it is a stigma and people just don't know what to say to you. My prayer for you is that you will get pregnant again as quickly as I did and that you will carry your baby to term. I like to think that our angel babies are playing together in heaven.

    Aimee

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  4. Big big hugs to you this morning. So glad to know you both and sit with you both whenever I can.

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  5. Aimee, Thank you so much for your words. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. It's wonderful to be able to hear positive stories like yours and know there are other people out there that have experienced the same thing. I KNOW that our babies are playing together. :)

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  6. Oh Lindsey, I am SO sorry to hear about losing your little babe. Will be praying for you and Ryan.

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  7. thank you for sharing linds. I love you and am praying over you guys!

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  8. Oh Lindsey, I'm so sorry! I have been waiting for the baby post from you! This isn't what anyone would ever want to go through or post on their blog but thank you so so much for sharing. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy too. We had heard a heart beat as well and it was terrible. Nick and I were shocked and devastated. Months feel like years when you go through miscarriage and trying to get pregnant. I took us a while to finally get pregnant again but God shaped us and changed our lives in dramatic ways during that time of waiting. We look back now and are thankful for his provision. I will be praying for you. I am so thankful and blessed by your gratitude and sweet spirit God's already given you. I pray his blessing of Thanksgiving this week specifically. Praise the Lord, He goes before us in all things.

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  9. I forgot to say how beautiful your sweet baby is in heaven. Seriously you two are guaranteed to make some pretty babies! Yall are just pretty people (inside and out)!

    Do you read this blog? Its powerful and changing the way I live. Timely for you, and really everyone, I think.
    http://www.aholyexperience.com

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  10. Lindsey, my heart goes out for you and Ryan. I am so sorry. I know it took a lot of courage to post this, but I'm so glad you did. I know there are others who will read this and find comfort through your faith and honest words. I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and now I know why. I pray your dreams of being a mommy will be fulfilled here on earth soon. Your little one is in heaven watching over you and singing with Jesus. What a beautiful day it will be when you are reunited.
    Praying for you and praying that you find hope, peace and joy in the storm. Lots of love you to you from Indiana! :)

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  11. Lindsey, I am so sorry you have had to go through this. All my love goes out to you.
    -Megan Walter

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  12. I'm sorry Lindsey! Email if you want to chat on FB sometime...I had two miscarriages in between these babies...and it's hard. And REALLY hard when your body has to heal from all the pain, and with the emotions and hormones, it's all so terribly painful. I'm sorry.

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  13. Lindsey,
    I'm so glad you posted about your struggles, because now everyone can support you. And since we're only "blog friends", now I know what you're going through. You're right that people don't talk about it enough and it's a silent struggle for so many women. I feel more women are willing to share the sorrow when they hear of others going through the same pain (as evidence with all the comments). I have so many friends going through the same....and all I can tell them is that God has a plan and that you WILL be parents. It may just not be the way and time schedule you're hoping for. But God's plan will be perfect. There is no doubt about that.
    Love to you!!!! Kriya

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