**I wrote this post awhile ago but just couldn't press the "publish" button. A friend of mine just recently went through the same thing and was strong enough to write about it. She in turn gave me the strength to post something extremely personal in the hopes that it might help others out there that have gone through the same thing.**
I'm not really sure how to begin this post. I know I've been pretty quiet on here lately and it's because I just don't know what to write about. It's hard to post happy, exciting blogs when you don't feel that way. I guess the best way to begin is to just start at the beginning. Bare with me through this long rambling post.
Back in May Ryan & I decided that it was the right time to start trying for a baby. We were over the moon with excitement. We couldn't stop talking about names, plans and who they would look like. In the back of my mind I was pretty worried about even getting pregnant. Just about a year ago I was diagnosed with PCOS- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (it's pretty common) Some of my symptoms were rapid weight gain, extreme fatigue, and high cholesterol. That coupled with the fact that it took my mom 4 to 5 years to get pregnant with me had me pretty worried. I had read entirely too much information on how PCOS can effect getting pregnant, and I was trying to push that away. In the mean time I was focusing on getting healthy by taking medicines to help, excising and eating healthier.
Well, to our surprise we found out that I was pregnant in July! I remember reading the pregnancy test and just breaking out in sobs. We were in complete shock that it actually happened for us. I know how difficult it can be to get pregnant, and I just never thought it was going to be easy for me. We were singing praises to the Man above. It was actually the same day that our friends moved in with us temporarily until they could find a house of their own. It was so hard for us not to just go out and immediately tell everyone. It was the first time I can ever remember that I was looking forward to a Monday so I could call my OBGYN to get an appointment.
A very long story short, the last couple of months have been such an emotional roller coaster that has whipped and jerked us around until we couldn't see straight. We found out on August 12th that we had lost the baby. I would have been due March 15th according to the doctor. I can't even begin to try and express the feelings Ryan & I have been wading through. The best way to describe it is just broken. I felt like all my fears and worries had been realized, and I couldn't believe that we were actually walking this road. It just didn't feel real. All I've been able to do is cry, sleep and pray. I haven't felt like being around people. I've needed to retreat to be able to sort through all these emotions. It didn't help that I had all those pregnancy hormones surging through me either as my husband would attest to.
We prayed so hard that God would spare this pregnancy and allow us to meet our baby here on earth. We really believe that God is all powerful and should it had been His will he could have change things in one breath. It was very hard to except the fact that we were not meant to meet this baby on this side of heaven. But our God is the same God regardless of our outcome. I have been clinging to this song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I believe every word of it.
I am so thankful for our family, friends and community who have surrounded us with incredible support.
I am thankful for my loving husband who, while broken himself, was able to encourage and support me through it all.
I am so thankful to have been able to even get pregnant in the first place.
I am thankful to have been able to see the heartbeat of our baby on my birthday. The best birthday present ever.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to try again in the future.
And I am so thankful to already be a parent to a beautiful girl or boy in heaven.
I can't imagine getting through this without the love and support of our family and friends. This is something that almost everyone has experienced, will experience or knows someone who has gone through this. I feel like it is not talked about enough and has been a silent burden that many women have carried by themselves. I wanted to share this with you all because we are not meant to carry our burdens alone. The community of people that have experienced the same thing as me have been such an
encouragement that it is worth sharing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has great plans for Ryan & I and our testimony. This is part of our story and we will use it to God's glory.
**Update: I ended up having to have a minor surgery two weeks ago to complete the miscarriage. It has been a very long road that we are now finally reaching the end of. God has granted us such peace and we are in a much better place now.**
Our little Angel